Helping people respond to life instead of react. Practical tools for overthinking, shutting down, people pleasing, confidence, and self-trust. Subscribe for grounded support you can actually use in real moments.
Why it's worth it to stick to your boundaries
|
Hi friend, A lot of people think boundaries are hard because they don’t know what to say. They imagine that if they could just find the perfect wording, they’d finally be able to speak up for themselves without guilt, conflict, or discomfort. But in my experience, that’s usually not the real problem. Most people already know what they want. They know they’re exhausted. They know they need space. They know they don’t want to go to the event, answer the text, stay late, or keep carrying something that no longer feels good to them. The clarity is often already there. The hard part comes after the boundary is spoken out loud because sometimes it disappoints people. When someone questions your decision, withdraws affection, acts hurt, or implies that you’ve changed. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes it sounds like, “Wow, okay,” or “You used to be more fun,” or “So you think you’re better than us now?” That’s the moment many people abandon themselves and their boundaries. A lot of gay men of color learned early that belonging could feel conditional. Maybe you learned to stay agreeable, emotionally available, easygoing, or accommodating in order to feel safe, accepted, or loved. Maybe you became highly attuned to other people’s reactions because rejection, conflict, or judgment carried real emotional weight. So when someone responds negatively to a boundary, your nervous system may interpret that moment as something much bigger than simple discomfort. It can feel like disconnection. Shame. Loss. The threat of no longer belonging. That’s why boundaries can feel so emotionally intense, even when they’re completely reasonable. And that’s also why practicing matters. So, today, I encourage you to do your best to stay with yourself after you set your boundaries. You're learning how to tolerate someone else’s disappointment without immediately rushing to fix it. Learning how to notice guilt, fear, or people-pleasing habits without automatically obeying them. That’s the work. And every time you stay connected to yourself instead of abandoning yourself, you build trust with yourself. Little by little, that changes the way you move through every relationship in your life. Coach Jose 💛
Make sure you're following me on Instagram so you're up-to-date with all the content I'm making for you. I hope it's helpful, relatable, and inspiring! |
Coach Jose | Respond, Don't React
Helping people respond to life instead of react. Practical tools for overthinking, shutting down, people pleasing, confidence, and self-trust. Subscribe for grounded support you can actually use in real moments.
Hi friend, This week, I want to encourage you to make a move. For us awkward folks, that can be hard. Too often, we want to feel certain about our next step before we take it. We want to have the right words completely formulated in our minds before we speak. We want to know the answer before we ask. We want to know how things will turn out before we decide. But most of the time, none of those things are realistic. We have to take the step first. We have to deal with the uncertainty. I want...
Hi friend, This week, I want to share a practice with you. You can use this anytime you find yourself jumping to conclusions about someone's intentions. In my video, I use the example of one partner brushing off the other. The brushed-off partner immediately jumps to a conclusion: "My partner is mad at me." This is an unhelpful pattern a lot of us fall into. It's a habit of filling in the blanks about someone else’s thoughts or intentions without checking the facts. We notice a behavior,...
Hi friend, Do you struggle to show the care you have for others? Maybe you assume people already know how much they mean to you, or you're waiting to find the perfect words. You could create moments of connection, but instead, they pass you by, and you tell yourself you'll say the important things later. Instead, let people experience more of what's already true. Try this: 1. Notice. When someone crosses your mind, pay attention to it. Maybe you remember a conversation you had with them....